Catching up

I hate that when things get crazy – my blog/journal is one of the things that suffers. I enjoy so much reading past entries; reliving fun memories; reading about situations/feelings I have worked through. For the first 1.5 years of Gates’ life, I documented his changes on a sheet titled ‘the things I love the most about you’. I cry almost every time I go back and read that. And looking at him now, I am so amazed he was ever that tiny, helpless, quiet, shy, etc. he is such a big boy now. So independent. He has his own little thoughts. The other night, as I was tucking him to bed, he told me he was scared. And it dawned on me then that he is no longer that totally innocent little being. He has fears. His fears are likely very silly or outrageous. Scared of monsters; scared of crocodiles (he has told me this before and I can’t assure him enough that there will be no crocs in our house). But the bottom line is – he feels fear. And that touches me in my heart.


When I say goodnight to him – I always hug him so tightly and I am sure to tell him how much I love him and how proud we are of him. I have said many times (probably in this blog) that one (of many things) that my mother did right was to tell me sister and I (often) how proud she was of us. She never made me feel like she expected more. Maybe she should have at times (school grades, etc) but for the most part – she made it very clear that if I was giving it my all, then that was all she could ask of me. I want Gates to feel our pride every day. As a parent, what am I if I am not proud/supportive of my children?

Speaking of – people have told me several times lately that my mother would be so proud of me. And I know there is so much truth to that statement but every time I am told that, I get a tear in my eye. I know my mother was proud of me. But she would really be proud of both my sister and I now. When I think of the person I was when she died (4.5 short years ago) and the person I am now – there is little comparison. I feel like a woman now. I feel grown up. A part of that I can attribute to the fact that I have a family now. My mom and I were so close and I was very needy with her. When she passed, I was broken.

Now let me talk about Gray for a second. That child. Oh my gosh. He could not be any cuter. I think Cameron would agree with me (and maybe be embarrassed that I am announcing this) that we had fears about having another baby because how on earth were we going to love him as much as we love Gates. Well, God quickly erased that fear. Gray is the funniest, sweetest, most charming baby I have ever been around. He has this smile that can light up the world. He smiles with his ENTIRE face. Every one says he looks like me and I LOVE that. I see it, too. He is feisty….so feisty. And boy can he eat. He is going to be beating up on his brother in no time. And Gates is so tender, maybe that’s not such a bad thing. Maybe he can toughen him up a little. I can’t wait for the day (next year or 25 years from now) that Gates realizes that the best gift we ever gave him is his brother…. It’s inevitable – Cam &I will get old and die one day. And when that happens – G&G will have each other. And that will get them through it. I know this from experience.

This was all over the place. But I will blog next week about the holidays and some goals I have for our family in 2013.