Three years ago....

While most people keep a blog to allow family and friends to follow their lives and stay in touch – I realized that I keep one as more of a journal for myself. I love that I have loyal readers (all three of you) but I also really love going back and reading my entries and knowing I will be able to do that for years to come.

Disclaimer - this particular entry will be a little more heavy than past entries.

My life was turned upside down three years ago tomorrow (Aug 26). I don’t think I will ever forget the series of events and the way things unfolded – and I am not sure that I want to. I went to work, just as I would any normal Tuesday. I remember taking one of those silly quiz “get to know me better” email forward things and one of the questions was “what do you fear most in life” and my response was “death. Losing a loved one” – I had NO idea I was about to look that fear straight in the eye. That evening, I had dinner with a friend and went home. I remember pulling out of the parking lot of the restaurant and for a second I thought about calling my mom but then decided not to; I was too tired. I fell asleep that night with my phone by my bed – nothing unusual there. Living alone, I always wanted my phone nearby in case of an emergency. Besides, it was also my alarm clock. I remember my phone ringing and waking me a couple of different times but I just silenced the ringer and went back to sleep. Around 330, my phone rang again and I woke and looked to see my sister calling me. I thought this was odd because it was in the middle of the night. I answered the phone and
she said “Katy?”
I replied “Yes, what’s wrong?”
Trish “Moms not with us anymore.”
Katy “What? What do you mean?”
Trish “moms not with us anymore.”
I will NEVER, for as long as I live, forget those words and how they made me feel. It was lonely. And so FINAL. I don’t know how else to explain it but if you have experienced a close personal loss then you know what I am talking about . the finality of losing someone so unexpectedly is almost too much to bear.
And I remember thinking about my poor sister – who, by the time she finally reached me at 3:30 in the morning, had heard the news from my father and gotten in her car and driven to Houston. She was exiting the freeway to come to my house when I answered the phone. She had to drive the entire drive from Austin to Houston knowing that she had to tell her baby sister that our mom had died. What a terrible feeling.
I hung up from talking to her and paced the house – feeling the closest to an out of body experience as I have ever felt. And then I went outside and waited to see my sister’s headlights coming down my dark and lonely street – in the middle of the night. from my driveway I called my dear friend, Tracy and woke her up. she wanted to come over but I assured her I was fine. I remember wanting to call some other friends, too but I didn’t want to wake anyone….as if this wasn’t urgent or something. and I remember calling sweet Cameron – who at the time was merely my boyfriend of THREE weeks. I left him a message telling him my mom had died. What a heavy message that was to receive. And then I saw my sister’s headlights and I stood up, waiting to hug her. Everything after this is kinda a blur. I remember emailing my boss to tell her that I would not be into work (and I didn’t return for 8 days following). I remember my sister and I driving from my house to my parents house to see my dad and find out what happened. My dad was sitting in the dark….staring at the wall. And the spot at the kitchen table where my mom had died was still ‘there’. To go into more detail at this point would be too painful for my little heart to bear. But these are my memories.

The minutes, hours, days, and weeks to follow were filled with so much emotion. I was completely beside myself at what my friends did for me in the wake of my mother’s passing. To this day, it makes me cry. Within hours of the news being passed around to different people, I had a house full of love and support. my girlfriends went to the grocery store to get food in my house, they got my wireless internet up and running, they dug through my belongings and pulled out pictures of my mom and framed them throughout my house. They took care of my dogs, they went shopping for a dress for me to wear to the funeral. They organized dinner schedules, they purchased flowers, they took phone calls, and passed on the devastating news to the people I couldn’t talk to. They took control when I felt I had lost it all. And it was then that I realized what true friendships were about. Within hours of news spreading, both my sister and I had friends arriving in town from all over the US. So in a time of such tragedy – to feel so blessed was overwhelming and comforting.

I could type forever about the way the rest of the days unfolded and the things I remember – but this would turn into a book instead of a blog.

To say that my mother & I were very close would be an understatement. We had a unique relationship –I didn’t depend on her in the ways some of friends do with their moms but I depended on her to BE THERE. To always answer the phone; to listen to me vent; to support me; to cheer me on; to bridge the relationship between me & my father; to always understand me. She was not only my mother, she was the keeper of all of my memories, she was Santa Claus, and the birthday fairy, she made every holiday and achievement special. She was thoughtful and had a heart the size of Texas. She was funny – and mysterious. And bless her heart, I think she battled a lot of things internally without ever seeking help. She was strong in so many ways and weak in others. The bottom line – she was my mom. that can’t ever be replaced. I will never be able to get a new mom. She was it. I don’t care what anyone says – NO ONE loves you like your mom! no one. And being a mom now, that is even more evident.

She passed in August and I found out I was pregnant in November. I got married the following March. My life has been one GIANT blessing after another since I lost my mom. Do you know how difficult that is for me to type? But I recognize that I would have never let myself love or be loved in the ways I have with cameron if my she were still alive. She was an albatross in a lot of ways. And that is difficult to type, as well. but I worried about her nonstop. I wanted to give her the world, fix all of her problems – even the ones she wouldn’t admit to. I wanted to make it all better – to the point of being unhealthy. I will never forget meeting a dear friend for drinks about a week after my mom died. This friend was out of town for the funeral and so she had not seen me and the first thing she said to me is, “you seem lighter”. I will never forget that. because I did feel lighter. Strange the way things work.

My mom wouldn’t know my life now. I am so different. I am more simple. I am happy. I am not conflicted. I am a motherless daughter, too – that part makes me sad.